Ye know how most weblubbers have a Frequently Asked Questions page jest t' be nice an' neighborly? Well, we be swashbucklin' pirates -- not a band o' sweet-talkin' scallywag suckups!  Fer a different (but extremely heartfelt) approach, feast yer eyeballs at our...   "Frequently CURSED Questions!"       Is the Pirate Walk appropriate for children? If ye want yer precious wee ones t' hear about all sorts o' murderin', thievin', drinkin', hangins' an' general rantin' an' roarin' -- aye, bring th' lil' fishies along! (But if ye do, ye best be watchin' them closely as we're not yer bloody babysitters. Misbehavin' children shall be banished from th' tour -- wi' absolutely no refunds awarded!) ARRRRRRRR!   I'm seeking an enriching cultural experience, like the kind you get on those mansion tours. Culturally speaking, is your pirate walk worth the fifteen dollar ticket price? Now if thar's anythin' a pirate can't stand it's a whinin', cultural snoblubber. Fact is, Cap'n Nick's Newport Pirate Walk is a participatory experience an' most o' our visitors have enjoyed it immensely. (Th' others have been marrooned or shot.) So if yer shy or jest can't be bothered t' get in th' spirit an' larn some fascinatin' Newport pirate history or say a few "ARRRRRRRRRRRR's" now an' then, please do us all a favor an' stay home wi' yer bloody cats! ARRRRRRRR!   Can I bring food or drink on your tour? Aye, ye bet yer jellyfish ye can. But if yer fellow pirates get a longin' fer yer Coconut-Mango Smoothie, ye jest might have t' fight t' keep it!   ARRRRRRRR!   Will there be time to stop and use the restroom? If yer goin' t' be a pirate, Sprog, ye've got t' call it by its rightful name. It's a gloryhole. Aye, thar's always some Sassy-pants askin' us this question an' here's th' poop (no pun intended): unless thar's a bloody emergency, do yer business afore or after. An' in case yer still not clear on th' matter, here's somethin' else t' remember: thems that fall behind ar' left behind! ARRRRRRRR!   Hey, Dudes. If I wear an eyepatch on your tour, when do I get my $3.00 rebate? Ye call that a pirate costume, ye Hornswoggler? If ye come wearin' th' full enchilada (from bow t' stern), our guides will give ye a rebate voucher. Jest send it in at yer convenience an' we'll blast a check right back t' ye via First Class Mail. By th' way--if ye don't want t' be sharkbait, don't call us "Dudes"! ARRRRRRRR!   What are my chances of meeting Cap'n Nick? Not great. Bein' wanted fer piracy in several countries, he ain't keen on smilin' pretty fer th' cameras. Truth be told, th' good cap'n is jest doin' this tour thing t' haul in enough booty t' keep his missus in pearls an' grog. Ye have a greater chance o' meetin' a bearded mermaid at a sea circus! ARRRRRRRR!   Are your guides REALLY pirates? Shiver me timbers!  Would ye like t' walk th' plank an' find out? ARRRRRRRR!   I think your tour would be better if you had a pirate ship for the kids to play in and a bunch of singing pirates at every stop. Ye don't say? Well, let's do some quick figurin' here. One 50-foot pirate ship costs 'bout $100,000 or more. Then it costs another $6,250 per month t' rent a boat slip from May thru October. T' keep her afloat, it costs maybe $2,500 per month fer maintenance. After our tour season ends in October, th' ship needs t' come out o' th' water, which means $200 per hour fer a crane, then maybe another $4,500 per month t' keep th' ship dry an' secure until th' followin' May. T' have singin' pirates at every stop would cost near $50 per hour per singer. An' if that warn't enough t' send Cap'n Nick t' th' poorhouse, yer fancy notions would cause our regular 90 minute tour t' exceed two hours or more! That means th' pirate guide an' apprentice be gettin' bloody overtime. So will we be changin' our successful walkin' tour t' become a pirate theme park? Nay, I think not! ARRRRRRR!"   What's an appropriate tip for the guides? Well, it should be somethin' green--th' kind ye can roll, pick yer teeth with an' give t' th' local barkeep fer a round o' drinks. What we don't like are those coupon thingies fer a free donut or fries. What's a donut an' fries?! ARRRRRRRR!   Who do I speak to if I have a complaint? Ye don't have t' say a bloody thing. If we find ye complainin', ye shall be quartered, marooned or shot!  ARRRRRRRR!        If these answers don't satisfy ye, seamail or call us at 401-294-4922.                 © 2004-2008 by Cap'n Nick's Newport Pirate Walk™, a division and trademark of Austen Sharp LLC, P.O. Box 12, Newport, RI  02840. Telephone: 401-294-4922/1-800-459-4922. Austen Sharp is the owner of piratewalk.com, piratewalk.net, newportpiratewalk.com and newportpiratewalk.net. All rights reserved. "One-eyed Jack" graphic (c. 2005 Flappin' Flags) is owned and used with permission by Flappin' Flags. This website is hosted by Dianasites.